It's Tymoshenko time

Hey bitches, it’s Yulia Tymoshenko here, Ukraine’s first ever female prime minister and the world’s sexiest ever politician. So, as you may be aware, me and poisonface Yushchenko (he’s the president) and some guy from the Socialist party whose name I’ve forgotten have formed a new coalition in the Ukrainian parliament, and I got my old prime ministerial job back! (poisonface sacked me last year, the bastard). So, Ukraine’s first lady is back! And when I say ‘first lady’ I am talking about yours truly, not president poisonface’s wife, the fat American bitch. Last year I had to suffer a weekend at the Yushchenkos’ holiday villa in the Crimea, and the fat slag was being really bitchy to me and accused me of being corrupt! Anyway, I pissed in their swimming pool.

So, let’s get down to business with the music. I have been given some songs to review, so here with go:

Zhanna Friske – Gde-to letom

Zhanna thinks she’s the Russian Britney Spears, but she’s old enough to be Britney’s cousin. Her hair is not fabulous like mine and she is no where near as rich as me. I like the song though, it is very summery. Unfortunately it is in Russian, which is a horrible sounding language. Ukrainian sounds so much nicer! When I become president of Ukraine (it’s inevitable), I am going to extradite her to Kyiv and make her sing it for me in Ukrainian.

VIA Gra – Stop, Stop, Stop

VIA Gra are stupid little whores. They are form Ukraine but only sing in Russian. When I become president this will be a criminal offence, punishable by deportation to Belarus (the horror!). They are known for their revealing outfits and catchy tunes. I must say that they are very attractive women – of course they are, they are from Ukraine, we have the most beautiful women, that’s why we need me - a beautiful woman president! But they could be even more beautiful. All they need are some power suits and a rap around pony-tail. The song is about girls telling their man to “stop” when he is trying to stick it in them. I can relate to this song; being so beautiful all men (even the gays) want to poke me. When we won the presidential election re-run in 2004, poisonface hugged me and I felt it sticking in my leg, the dirty old perve!

Vanilla Ninja – Dangerzone

I like Vanilla Ninja because they are Estonian, and Estonians hate Russia. Also they make the best pop-with-guitars! Cool Vibes, the song with which the girls represented Switzerland at the 2005 Eurovision Song Contest (which was held in Ukraine, I must add), was brilliant! It should have come won, no, come second, after Ukraine. Ukraine came near the bottom because the song was dire. OK, it was pro Orange revolution, and in Ukrainian, but the guys who sung it were ugly mofos. Anyway, I think the UK came near the bottom as well. I don’t remember their song much, I just recall it was shit and it was sung by a transsexual with a chocolate face. Am I allowed to say that? I don’t know what is politically correct and what is not in English… Maybe I can say she was coloured? No? In Ukraine we don’t have black people yet. I love all people and am all for a multicultural Ukraine. I have been listening to the black folk-music troupe “G Unit”, and it seems black people like ghettos. They’ll love Ukraine! - We’ve still got some ghettos that the Jews aren’t using anymore. But when I visited America the people there were not at all helpful when I asked them where I could buy some black people. Americans are so rude!

UPDATE: Oh my hair! I just got a phone call from someone in my party with the worst news ever! I shall tell you in my next post, but it looks like I won't be the new prime minister!!! FUСКING HELL!!!